Rolling in it
A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been
abused all his life on earth - people swept him with broom, he had no
where to sleep, etc. God tells him he is going to make his life very
comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to heaven. They gave God a
similar story about their hard life on earth - how they had to be running
all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. God tells them
he'll make their life comfortable. They ask that he give them skates so
that they wouldn't have to do much walking or running anymore. God granted
their request, fitting them with skates. A week later God was passing by
and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were
going. The cat says, "Oh wonderful, God, and those meals on wheels that
you have been sending me are delicious !"
Three Wise Women
You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN
instead of three wise MEN, don’t you? They would have asked for
directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable,
made a casserole, and given practical gifts.
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We're
Related
A man had just had a severe heart
operation and as he was coming to a nun was holding his hand and gently
patting it. We he opened his eyes she said, "I hate to ask at a time like
this but do you have insurance?" "No ma'am, he replied."
"Well do you have enough cash to pay your bill?" "No ma'am," he
replied again. "Do you have any relatives who can help you?" "Only a
spinster sister who is a nun," he replied. "Oh," said the nun, "she is no
spinster, she is married to God!" "Well send the bill to my
Brother-in-law," he replied.
The Top Ten
Ways to Hide Your Faith from Your Kids
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10. Don’t blow the dust off your Bible – let alone pick it up!
9. Limit their spiritual training to "Now I lay me down..." and "Romper
Room" grace.
8. Leave child evangelism to the trained professionals.
7. If they catch you kneeling by your bed, pretend you’re looking for a
missing sock.
6. Always have your spouse say grace (or eat dinner in shifts so that
everybody’s on his own).
5. Offer simplistic answers to their heartfelt questions about life.
4. When the preacher says something that touches your heart and you start
getting misty-eyed, pretend your contacts are bothering you again.
3. If they catch you with your Bible open, tell them you’re doing research
for the crosswords.
2. If the pastor calls during the week and asks if you’d mind reading
Scripture or giving your testimony for the Sunday service, say, "Oh, uh, I
think we’ll be out of town that Sunday. In fact, we may be out of town for
the next few months."
1. If the pastor starts talking about your thought life, tell the kids
that you think you might have left the motor running in the car and you’d
better go outside and check.
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Ummm
Jesus said, Whom do men say that I am? And his disciples answered and
said, Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others
say Elias, or other of the old prophets. Jesus asked: "But whom do you
say that I am?" Peter answered, "Thou art the Logos, existing in the
Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being
generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is
related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a
Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being
coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and
interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination
within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no
longer simple."
And Jesus answering, said, "Huh?"
One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered "Don't be
scared, you'll get your quilts."
Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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